why are you here?

One of the taboos of prison life is asking another inmate what they did. It is against the unwritten rules to ask about the offense that brought another man to prison, but not to tell others about your crime. This gives a person with a so called hinky crime to create their own version of reality. This is very common because there are many crimes that inmates consider to be awful. Crimes of a sexual nature are not well thought of, nor are crimes against children. Inmates with these crimes usually tell stories about drugs and drug crimes. Alcohol and drug crimes are normally not thought of as real crimes. Violent crimes are real crimes and these stories are generally slanted in a way that shows the inmate was a victim of some type. The real victim did something, or didn’t do something, that is spun as a huge wrong against the inmate. The only real way for the inmate to seek justice for all the wrong was to commit the action which society deeds a crime.

I have heard so many of these stories it is sickening. It is never the inmates fault. Sadly I must say that when I first went to jail I felt the same way. Proverbs 26:12 explains this horrible action. “Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool that for him”. I felt I really didn’t do anything wrong. I was a trustee of trusts and I could do anything I choose to do, pick any investment, borrow the money personally without crossing any line. Looking back on all of the events that I did, all of the crime I committed makes me very sad. From where I stand today it seems unreal that I could have made those choices. I know I did and I know I didn’t have a problem with it at the time. It is even crazier to know that I thought I was a Christian and would go to church with the woman I was living with and whom I ultimately married.

She had no idea of what was going on with my personal finances, or really even my personal life. I lied to her as much as I lied to anyone. I am truly sorry for the pain I caused her and the others involved.

The question that I have asked myself and others have asked me is how I could have done these horrible acts of theft and deception. Honestly I am not sure where or when I can say it began. It is something that happened slowly over a period of 20 plus years. Every time I chose to tell a harmless white lie or borrow something that I should not have or take something I felt I deserved or earned it became a little easier. Little by little my views and tolerance for doing “wrong” things increased. In other words my morals eroded away. My thoughts changed from a world of right and wrong, black and white to a world of gray. I could rationalize and justify almost anything. After all I was a lawyer and good at what I did. Years later when I read Proverbs 16:18, pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall, it has a special meaning for me.

Ultimately I was faced with a bitter divorce. She wanted more money than we had a whole lot more. She and her lawyer wouldn’t budge. I tried to explain this fact to her and her lawyer and told them the only way I could get that kind of money was to steal it, they didn’t care. Everyone close to me wanted the divorce to be over and encouraged me to finish it as soon as possible. I was trustee of the trusts; I could just borrow the money.

Temptation is a horrible thing. When you are tempted to eat a second or third piece of chocolate cake it is one thing but when you are tempted to take money it is looked at differently. I had faced a lot of temptation over the years and as I gradually succumbed to small things each time it seemed the next temptation was a little bigger and took just a little more out of my soul when I gave in. It took about a week for me to give in and give her the money. After the first couple of withdraws it suddenly dawned on me how much trouble I really was in. instead of stopping I dove in and took more living a crazy lifestyle.

When I was arrested I knew it was over, but I still didn’t believe I had really done anything that wasn’t fixable. They put me in a cell all by myself, locked down for 21 hours a day. The cell was stark, but there was a bible. I began to read and pray. They never turned off the lights so I could read until I fell asleep.

Over the course of 3 months the Lord worked on me. My cousin sent me the book “Experiencing God.” It was a marvelous guide. I finally reached the point where I realized what horrible things I had done and I talked to my lawyer about pleading guilty. I did not want a trial. I wanted to confess to those I had harmed. He arranged a deal for sentencing that could range from probation to 40 years. I felt confident I would only get a couple of years at most. Everything seemed to point that direction, at least to me. I knew it would really be in the Lord’s hands so I was comfortable with that knowledge. When I was sentenced to an ultimate sentence of 32 years I was surprised, but not shocked. When I got back to my cell I opened my bible to Hebrews 12:5-6 and realized how much the Lord had accepted me as a son. My next stop was Jeremiah 31:18; “You have chastised me and I was chastised…restore me and I will return, for you are the Lord my God.”

I know God has something in mind for me. He has been very kind to me over my years in prison. His hand has been around me protecting me from harm and granting me amazing things that are not a part of most inmates’ prison experiences. There have been some very difficult situations, but I have relied on the Lord and he has resolved them.

Since giving my life to Christ I have learned a lot from the bible. In Philippians 3:7-8 Paul says all things that he thought were gain he now counts as loss for Christ. (And so do I) Paul teaches that forgiveness is a gift from God. You don’t receive it by your works and deeds but because of the grace of God and your faith in the Lord. I know I have been forgiven for all eternity because of Christ’s loving act. I am required to forgive everyone who wrongs me because Christ forgave me. This may seem strange and difficult but the Holy Spirit makes it not only possible, but not difficult.