My addictions

During the first couple of years of prison I realized I had many other problems besides time. However, the prison system did not recognize my problem as addictions, or anything else that was deserving of help. I was addicted to money and food as well as a few other things.

They say the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil and this is a true saying. It caused me great heartaches and totally destroyed my life. I made so many bad choices and decisions based on the love of money. Thinking back, I realize how much damage it did to myself and other people.

The wrong thinking caused me to hurt so many people. The worst part was I hurt those I had a duty to care for. I hurt my clients, my children, my siblings, my parent’s and a whole host of others that I considered friends. I am very ashamed of my behavior and would do anything to take it back or fix it.

The interesting thing about addictions is as humans we are made to be addicts. Our minds and hearts direct us to experiences that give us joy. The problem is as humans we don’t always find things that give us true long term joy. We fall for things that give us short term joy, but then turn toxic. The usual causes are drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Unfortunately these are not the only addictions. In fact, anything that gives you pleasure can turn into an addiction, even after it has ceased being a pleasure, it has begun to destroy you. Some of these addictions include, money, food, sex, and what many people mistakenly call love.

Making money, running businesses and marketing all was such a rush for me. It was so exciting about all of it that it consumed most of my waking moments. Because this gave me such a wonderful feeling of joy and happiness I ignored almost every other aspect of my life. When a sting of events (caused by my own wrong thinking) brought additional requirements on my life I started thinking crazy thoughts. Now I realize how awful they were, but then they seemed possible, even ok to do. They were a means to an end and I could fix them later. A true sign of addiction, needing more and more to get the same feeling of joy and happiness. My addictions were so bad, but I kept on until I was completely destroyed.